Vexed...Putting My Anger to the Paper....

Vexed….

Recently, I had to let go of a friendship that I had been attached to for a couple of years. I did so under the order of God… not by my will but by His. He asked me to do this a long time ago but I refused because, well, I just didn’t want to. Always holding out and making excuses. I would often overlook the little things, writing them off as no big deal …but this time, things were different.

God called me to a deeper level of prayer with Him. Where I would simply sit and talk to Him, now I actually get on my face in passionate prayer to Him. Lately, when I pray about things in my spiritual life I see them happen immediately…. When I pray for other people, I see it happen almost instantaneously and it’s both amazing and sometimes disheartening because of what is being revealed.

The other day I prayed for God to show me my true friends from my enemies who pretended to be friends. Well, you know the old saying “be careful what you pray for because you might just get it”…indeed I did.

Thank God for women around me who have a heart for God and this is evident in their lives…they rallied around me in support and love along with our spiritual mother who also gave a word in prayer (though she knew nothing of what was happening, she gave me a word a few months back to do the very thing God would have me do). I was encouraged, strengthened and motivated to do what needed to be done.

I called this “friend” and explained what I had been told… I indeed let it be known that I wanted things to end amicably ---- BUT of course, having the relationship that we had, I knew exactly how everything would play out. I hoped it wouldn’t…I prayed it wouldn’t…I even almost got duped into believing it wouldn’t but sadly, it did.

Yes, I indeed was led to remove and cut off all contact with this individual immediately because as God showed me, He didn’t want me tempted to respond to the foolish reactions she would put on. He told me to be quiet and let Him deal with it and this I did. But this only made the situation worse in the natural realm and of course, the reaction to my silence was worse than it would have been had I gone ratchet city and acted like I had no home training…something I would have done five or six years ago….something, in fact, I had done on her behalf many times!  I now see, I should have stayed my behind out of it and let those young women deal with her as they saw fit – for they indeed saw what I could not see…smh, that’s what I get, always trying to “save” somebody.

Anywho. Tonight I am somewhat pissed – yep, that’s the word – P.I.S.S.E.D. Because God continues to tell me nope I can’t respond or react to her even though she’s gone on a slanderous campaign against me not only on a physical level – but in the spiritual realm. I’ve been called a “false prophet” (never have I ever identified myself as a prophet but I digress…) and “Power Hungry” and “Sneaky” (ahh, the bible tells us be innocent as doves but as shrewd as snakes! I am never sneaky but quite wise) and much more I can only imagine…. These things are being said indirectly on a public networking site so that they can get back to me and also around people we both know, I suppose to slander my reputation…and I guess get a rise out of me.

For a moment, it did. I was vexed – and my flesh said… if that’s where she wants to take it….let’s do that, indeed we can because I know things that I could share that would surely hurt if I said them and they would certainly cut deep. But of course, even your enemy knows you well – they’ve put on long enough to study you – and in knowing me, she knows very well that’s not my style. She also knows the God she now claims I am not following now is the very God that I love, honor, and fear enough to know better than to react to her actions…so that covers her from me reacting….but be not deceived… my God is not mocked, and neither will He allow His faithful children to be mocked either. J

God said He would take care of it and I believe it wholeheartedly! In fact, I know it is only a matter of time.  He warned for this to be done quietly, respectfully, and without strife but as He told me ahead of time, she wouldn't listen and He always know the truth. Indeed I know this is hurtful to both of us so I can’t imagine the pain and hurt she’s going through – the confusion. I understand all this and I don’t take that way…but I honored God by what I did and though some may not understand it and say “IT AIN’T OF GOD” (Funny how everyone knows God all of a sudden when they feel they have been done wrong, but don’t know a thing about Him any other time…mmmm) He does, and He is sure to show the truth and light in this situation.

In fact, I think by the reactions and foolish behavior of this particular individual – everyone can clearly see the truth from the lies.

I’ve not put up one single slanderous word against this young woman but I continue to be attacked and disgraced. People really should be careful who they speak against, God is not pleased with those who speak against His children with sheer pride and arrogance. He will indeed repay. Though my flesh tells me to say something…react…go blow for blow toe to toe…. It reminds me of things I could say and do that would surely hurt – deeply, I refuse. I will react in love…and forgiveness because I recognize the spirits operating behind this individual that she doesn’t even recognize. This isn’t the first time this has happened to her – and it surely won’t be the last if this type of behavior continues.

 I was feeling guilty at first…I was… but I now realize God said be quiet and sit back--- WATCH. In watching He showed me the reality of the situation. It was painful for Him to show it to me…to have to force me to see, this is why I separated you, this is not a friend, this is not family, this is not love. Defect before you are infected – is what He said.

My allegiance was to someone who had no true allegiance to me and I’ve known this for quite some time. But to know something…and then to see it in the flesh still doesn’t make it any less painful to come to terms with. I’ve had friends that I have had drag outs with but we never go so low as to throw low blows at the other when we stop speaking – because the friendship, the loyalty, and the love was real you know? But when someone can so carelessly begin to bring up such hateful words, you realize at that moment that these words were in their hearts all along, they just never had the opportunity to say them.

So, there are no tears shed. No surprises here. I realize now that prayer I prayed has been answered in all of this. And though I never meant for it to go this way…I now understand why so many before me did exactly what they did….they had the good sense to see what I could not… darn me for always trying to see the best in people. I now know this is who she has always been…and this is how she has always felt…and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing at all. Though I may feel my time was wasted with her and my biggest regret is forgoing my first mind and often bringing her on board with things that I knew God gave to me and only me… I did and I’ll eat that. Because of my foolishness and my always trying to save and cover her – we are here and not only am I vexed by her actions but she has been hurt by mine and for that I am truly sorry– God directed or not, cutting someone off always hurts the person on the end that gets cut and left behind.

I will pray for her healing…if God allows me… I will pray for His mercy over her…if it be His will. But what I will not do is entertain the drama and the foolishness. I wrote this blog because God said write it out and as I hesitated, a sister (a dear, true sister) came and confirmed “write it out sis, that’s your gift and you can use that to express yourself” (she didn't even know I was thinking about it)…so I have done just that. I write out my anger, pain, frustration, retaliation and I release it all to My Father.

  If I have done anything sneaky, underhanded or evil in severing this relationship, if my motives were indeed impure and I am indeed a false prophet then let God deal with me ever so severely…. But if I am not…let every single word of discord, drama, failure, slander, disgrace, humiliation, pain, pride, ego, selfishness, wrath, and wickedness come down on her head and all of those foolish minions that follow behind her blindly trying to “help” as I once did.

I know who I am in God and so does she. It would be wise to be silent…as I always say “If you have nothing nice to say, pray about it”.

I see You Lord growing me in this area…and I know there have been moments even venting to my boo here at home where I have failed and said what I “Could DO” in anger – and in that you are not pleased so I ask forgiveness for that…help me to not even in a moment of frustration utter a word that displeases you in this situation. Help me to remember that You are indeed in control and You are dealing with those who come for me…. Father, I thank You for growth…because four years ago…this would have been a war…BUT GOD…I know now there will be no reconciliation, our season has ended. I appreciate the few moments we shared that were joyful and the things that were done to make me smile the few times they were done. Now as I enter into a new season of blessing, growth and service to the Lord…I bid the foolishness of my youth behind and whenever I think about her…I will say a prayer of grace and mercy (if it be God’s will) or I will sit in silence for moment and let the thought pass…. And maybe, just maybe, if it’s a good thought I’ll smile and miss her for a moment but, only for a moment.

What I will NOT do, is be dragged down into a backbiting, slanderous war of words launched out of pain…. for when God orders you to do something, there is no defense needed – this is why Jesus was silent before Pilot. And I shall be silent from this point forward on this matter at hand.

With love and blessings.

Proverbs 26:20-28 “Without wood a fire goes out; without a gossip a quarrel dies down. As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome person for kindling strife. The words of a gossip are like choice morsels;  they go down to the inmost parts. Like a coating of silver dross on earthenware are fervent[a] lips with an evil heart. Enemies disguise themselves with their lips, but in their hearts they harbor deceit. Though their speech is charming, do not believe them, for seven abominations fill their hearts. Their malice may be concealed by deception, but their wickedness will be exposed in the assembly. Whoever digs a pit will fall into it; if someone rolls a stone, it will roll back on them. A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin.”

Ahhh….I feel somewhat better. Thanks Abba! <3