Personal Testimony...From persecutor to persecuted, my cross to bear.

Let me be honest with everyone... I used to persecute the GLBT community, I mean really spew hateful stuff about them based on what I was taught in my childhood church. I battled so long with myself...sleeping with men - even getting pregnant in hopes of having a child and getting married (even got engaged) so that I would "not like women" but that didn't work. I've prayed about it...I've asked God to take it away...when I initially came out I even went back to dating an old boyfriend just to try to please those around me...it didn't work. I was miserable...I have admired, loved, and thought beautiful the female form since I was able to recognize the difference between a woman/girl - man/boy, I am who I am I don't need science to prove that.

I was the one that was supposed to be the "pastors wife" the "first lady of the church"...I was in the process of training to be ordained, building my own ministry, and serving as a youth leader in a Charlotte church when I came out...once I was exposed...it was snatched away. When I returned to Houston, where I had helped build the flourishing youth ministry and done even more in the ministry, again I was exposed by someone in the church and again, it was snatched away. So you know what I did? I ran... I became upset and indignant with God and the church and I said, if God don't love me...I don't love Him....see I had been told long ago (around six years old) by a preacher that God had something in me...but the enemy wanted it…and I would either do something REALLY great for God or really terrible for the devil.... well at this point I figured I was going to do something really terrible for the devil since God didn't want me.

I reveled in sex -I was a hedonist...I lived for pleasure and anything that made me feel pleasure - Xanax, Liquor, and Ecstasy were my drugs of choice because they always led to sex - I was addicted to the pills, the liquor, and the sex. I could easily manipulate (as Jezebel), seduce, and summon anything or anyone I wanted and I did. I got into witchcraft at an early age - got out - but went back, I threw sex parties and encouraged girls under my influence to have sex in front of groups of people and/or strip all for my entertainment - although I wouldn't do these things - I had no problem exploiting others who were easily led. I even went as far as to set up an escort service and along with a friend, interviewed, advertised and promoted these women. I was proud to call myself the female madam and I aspired to be a voudoo priestess...at one time a bride of satan - yes y'all I was gone, I was totally against God.

I went through a period of hearing God calling me back, telling me He never shunned me, how He loves me and still has work for me but in my prejudice against myself I said NO, you can't use me I'm GAY and I wanna stay that way. I self-medicated and for a period of time, I was in a haze of marijuana, liquor and prescription pill cocktails...I even had to put liquor in my morning slushies’, pop pills and have a marijuana break during lunch just to make it through the day! I popped no less than three pills and smoked no less than 5 blunts a day. Oh yes I was gone... had tons of "friends" and "fans" and "admirers" but I was miserable. When God has called you - you can't live outside of Him and still be happy, you just CAN'T.

One day, in the midst of the lowest point of my life as I was wallowing in my misery God came to me and said, "I never told you I didn't love you, THEY DID and you ran from Me". He started to draw me back into Him and little by little He cleaned me up.
The stronger I became in Him, the more He revealed to me..."I know who you are...I created you this way.... why are you running from me? Furthermore, why are you running from THEM? Who are they that they have any authority to throw you out of My Church? I called you, you have a work to do, do it - I called you as you are...do it." When I stopped listening to man and began to seek God for myself in regards to my sexual orientation, I found that God was not as focused on this area of my life as everyone else. Now He did tell me to cut the fornication, He certainly is NOT pleased with that no matter how we try to spin it - but my love for the woman in my life, to that, He didn't even blink His eye.

He reminded me, some are created this way for a purpose (Key word SOME, not everyone who is gay was created this way but that’s another lesson)- you my dear have been so that you could go out among them like Paul (Saul) who preached to the gentiles and teach my salvation. As He revealed this to me I looked back over my life at the things I had done and I realize now how everything set me up for the calling God has on my life which is to teach, encourage, love and share the truth of Christ and His salvation with those who have been told they are unworthy of God's love - primarily the GLBT community and I will do it.

So why did I share this today? I shared this to show you all that no matter how far you have come from God, He can and will use you if you come back to Him with a pure heart and let Him work; and also, to show you that out of all the things I’ve done in my life – being gay is the LEAST of my sins…I have torn down women with my reckless actions…I was abused relentlessly as a child and I in turn grew up and abused women in a different way but it was abuse nonetheless…. How awesome is God to call one out that once tore down the GLBT community and hated women to be a restorer of the very things I damaged. God is AWESOME!

I encourage you – don’t allow the enemy to make you feel as though you are less than because of your orientation and no longer are we to sit in the back of the church hiding who we are, our families, our partners because others are prejudice. Now true, we should be mindful of how we present ourselves in the face of those who believe we are condemned, so as not to lead them into sin (1 Corinthians 8:13, Romans 14:21, 2 Corinthians 6:3). It is time for us (GLBT Christians) to stand up and come out of the shadows and into the light God is calling us to and how do we stand?

In love, speaking truth, using the word of God to combat the hate and condemnation of the enemy and remaining in God through prayer, study, and love in all that we do. The time is now family…you’ve seen my testimony (and that was just the tip! If I really get into it, I’d write a whole book) so if God can use me and give me the courage to go out and make disciples of those who have been told they are unworthy, how much more will He do the same for you? Don’t be shame- LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE BEFORE MEN THAT THEY MAY SEE YOUR GOOD DEEDS AND WORSHIP THE LORD YOUR GOD! Matthew 5:16 Selah.

The Lord led me to share this, someone will be blessed I pray. My apologies for the length, I tried to shorten it as much as I could.

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When God says BE STILL....listen. Please, listen.

To some, God is saying MOVE....to others, God is saying BE STILL.... notice, even Jesus had to BE STILL for 40 days before going out and preaching God's word! Sadly, many of us don't know what "BE STILL" means, so we "think" we're heeding His word and being still when we're not....let's take a look at the definition of "still":

still
1. remaining in place or at rest; motionless; stationary: to stand still.
2. free from sound or noise, as a place or persons; silent: to keep still about a matter.
3. subdued or low in sound; hushed: a still, small voice.
4. free from turbulence or commotion; peaceful; tranquil; calm: the still air.
5. without waves or perceptible current; not flowing, as water.

Clearly here, when someone is "still" it means they are quiet, not moving, at peace - not worried, not planning, not thinking, not doing things on their own, they are still. But being still can be the most difficult thing one can ever do in life. When I arrived in Virginia I was immediately ready to go back to Houston - "Home" my familiar place. Things just weren't going the way I expected, in fact - things got way worse before they got better - I wanted to leave, Lord knows I wanted to run and I surely could have because my sister would have made sure I got back home and had a place to stay. I knew I could get a job within weeks of getting back home, which would allow me to provide for myself, and hey - life would be great! I could still serve God and do what He wanted me to do right? Wrong.

God told me to "BE STILL"....in the midst of being around people who I thought were "friends" but were not...He said "BE STILL" after I arrived in VA and learned everything I owned had been left out on the lawn and was now gone (stolen) so I had nothing but the few clothes in the small bag I had with me. He said "BE STILL" when people lied on me, called me a whore, slut, tramp, liar and even said I deserved when someone touched me inappropriately because of the way I dressed. He said "BE STILL" when someone told me they didn't have to respect me because I didn't respect myself and I threatened to take her life (and was very serious about the threat) but since I couldn't get to her - I attempted to take my own, God saved me and said "I SAID, BE STILL."

So, I became still, finally I listened and became "STILL". And I am honest, I disliked it very much because it was uncomfortable, unfamiliar, painful...and every other negative emotion you can think of. But I thank God that He gave me a Spirit of obedience at that time so that I didn't run away...but I stayed in the place He brought me because He had a work for me to do here. I won't lie and say the last few years here in Virginia have been a cake walk, it certainly has not, I've wanted to leave since I arrived but I am grateful (and always will be) for this place - my desert - and for me staying and being still because it is in this place that God was able to get my attention, without distraction, and bring me to a place of total trust and reliance on Him and Him alone.

You see, as long as I was in my comfort zone around people I knew and had known most of my life, I wasn't fully focused on God - I had too many distractions and I had to much trust invested in things outside of God - my jobs (I had great jobs in Houston then I arrived to VA and felt like I was working for pennies in jobs I was overqualified for), my social life (tons of friends, admirers, connections in Houston - in VA it was almost as if I were invisible), my income (back home my finances were straight because I had excellent income and even if I didn't I could always get it).... but when God brings you to a place where all of that is taken from you it makes you open yourself to Him and learn to trust Him fully. And it did, for me.

I've seen such amazing growth in my relationship with God over since I arrived in VA in 2008 til now 2012...it started with me cracking my bible open and reading a chapter a day, to me doing the devotionals in the bible, to building faith through Joel Osteen messages, then on to really getting into the truth of the scripture with Joyce Meyer, and now to God speaking and revealing directly to me and using me to teach others. And He's only going to do more. But all of this only came about because when He told me to BE STILL, I was that - still, I didn't run, I didn't move, I didn't bite back and tell God what I wanted Him to do and make decisions on my own I was STILL and QUIET and trusting Him to lead me even though I couldn't see a thing in front of me.

The other day, I had a moment and I got into my I WANT TO GO HOME TO TEXAS mode and was so serious - because God had told me it was time to go, but I heard in my Spirit - NOPE, I SAID GO TO CHARLOTTE, NOT TEXAS BE STILL UNTIL IT IS TIME TO LEAVE. Everything in me wanted to disobey and do what I wanted to do but I know God knows best and I refuse to destroy the work He has done thus far by jumping because something is "uncomfortable" rather than trusting God and His infinite knowledge as the author of my life.

He asked me, "What if you had gone home, back in 2008 when you first arrived....look at what you are doing today for Me, would you have still done that had you gone home? Would the seeds I've planted in others through you have been planted if you had gone home?"  ....for the third time in a week I found myself saying "How arrogant can I be?" How arrogant am I to think I know best for myself- furthermore, how arrogant can I be to put my own comfort and feelings above God's direction for my life? He brought faces and names to me, even down to this ministry Fellowship of Christ, to show me I had to be here for such a time as this not only for myself but for others He placed in my path to plant seeds. It's like Jesus when He spoke to the woman at the well...had He never gone that way, or spoke to that woman, she would not have been saved and then gone through the village telling others who also were saved.....

We've got to understand that our life is NOT about us and our feelings and our comforts and needs but it is about the WHOLE body of Christ! Our obedience not only affects our relationship and growth with God but OTHERS. If I had never been still, I would not be in love with God as I am today - I WOULD NOT, I would not know Him as I do and I wouldn't be preparing for God to do the great things I know He is doing right now in my life and my future! So I encourage you today - if God has told you to BE STILL, do it. Don't let fear, emotion, family, friends, spouses, or even your own flesh, mind, and will talk you out of following God's orders for your life and BE STILL and let Him work. Those who don't will only find themselves right back in the situation later ..... better to Be Still today while you have nothing to lose than to gain all you desire and then lose it later when God calls you to total dependance on Him later in life.

I had no plans on sharing this today but God laid it on my heart so I pray that those who need to read this will read it, receive, and heed the word. I know it's tough but trust God, He knows what He's doing and I promise you the latter will be greater than the former. Selah.

Don't be so WEAK!

You know...I used to get mad at my mom because she is the type to never let me dwell on anything, it doesn't matter what pain she'd tell me to pick my face up, quit pouting, and keep it moving - life continues you gotta keep moving. I remember not "feeling well" or being "stressed" and my mom would force me to get up and still do whatever I had to do. She just never let me get consumed with my emotions, circumstances, situation, or even pain. Even if I hurt myself she'd say, "Pain is temporary, let it hurt you'll be alright, it won't hurt forever" she'd say.... and bandage me up and send me on my way. "You ain't dead and as long as you ain't dead you gotta keep on living chile" she'd say...lol boy I hated that statement! I would think, how insensitive why won't she just let me cry and cradle me like a baby and let me sit with a Popsicle and feel sorry for myself or whatever it is.....

Now as an adult, I realize that was the BEST thing she could have EVER done for me. Because it saddens me to see how many people really can't function because of "life" and the "stress" of it.... how people freeze up and shut down when problems happen and let everything else they are committed to just fall by the wayside. There are some issues that make you step away... like death of someone close to you, serious illness, or things like that but many of us get overwhelmed at the smallest little hang up and we just can't do anything what's up with that? Some people have told me, well you gotta understand people ain't as strong as you they ain't like you - BULLCRAP, people are as strong as they want to be at any given moment...we make way to many excuses for ourselves that limit us rather than challenging ourselves with things that grow us.

.... We've got to be tougher than that, we've got to have more of a fight than that, we've got to stop being so darn weak. Geez, I thank my mom for never allowing me to wallow, it is one of my best qualities (in my opinion) cause everyone knows if I say I'll do it, I'll do it come hell, fire, floods, thunder and lightening...my commitment will be honored and if it cannot for any reason I am the first to tell you so and find someone who can. Don't let life stifle you you are much stronger than you think - especially those of us who know and love the LORD!

"Equal Protection Under the Law....Unless You're Gay!"

Now this I can't believe.  Check out the story here


You may have seen this case on First 48 "The Lester Street Murders" This man (Jessie Dotson) murdered 4 adults and 2 children which would have been 5 children if 3 of the 5 children weren't rescued when they were. This "man" shot his brother after an argument (more than once - total overkill) then turned around and shot the 3 other adults (who had nothing to do with the argument) THEN stabbed and beat the children - all of which belonged to his brother ranging in ages 9-2 months old). He stabbed his 9 year old nephew in the skull and left him for dead in the tub - he sliced the throat of his 2 month old niece and left her for dead (they both survived after 40 hours alone). The coward, Jessie,  claims it was due to not wanting any witnesses - but last I checked a 2 month old can't speak let alone testify. 

Anywho, so he is given 6 death sentences for each life he took. Justice! But wait - I come across this article about this dude getting married - MARRIED?  In the article it states: "In 1987, the Supreme Court ruled that prisoners have a constitutionally protected right to marry. While unusual, prison weddings are not unheard of. Convicted child-killer Damien Echols has been married more than 10 years. His wife, Lori Davis, a Manhattan architect, started writing him after he was arrested for killing three 8-year old West Memphis boys in 1994. The two married at an Arkansas prison chapel in 1999."  (See link above)

So...you mean to tell me, convicted child killers have more protection and equality under the law than law abiding, productive, gay and lesbian Americans? It's perfectly acceptable for an individual who kills children (and shows no remorse) but gays and lesbians can't marry because......??? Really now? You will not deny me the rights you allow a lowly, pathetic, child killer....that's an insult.

To top it off, think about the victims, 20 year old Shindri Roberson, 26 year old Marissa Williams, 33 year old Hollis Seals, 4 year old Cemario Dotson, and 2 year old Cecil Dotson II - they won't have marriage, they won't fall in love, they don't get to smile and have a wedding and exchange love letters with the love of their life (as he called his fiancee)....but this child murdering liar does (did I mention he tried to blame the killings on gangs after the bodies were found, even though his nephew was alive to testify against him)? I'm sorry I don't agree. And no I've never been to prison but if I had killed six people and attempted to murder three (five of them being children) I wouldn't deserve human contact, marriage, smiles, or any of the likes of these things. smh.

He already told the police he killed everyone else because he didn't want witnesses, the target was his brother everyone else was just a victim of time and place - but this fiancee of his says "she doesn't believe he did it" WHAT? smh, anywho, this is my grievance of the day - American keeps on talking about defending marriage and God as a reason for not being just and giving equality to all - but prisoners who've murdered children, clearly not at all anything to do with God, can marry?

This isn't about protecting the religious belief or even protecting marriage (what are you protecting it from exactly?). If gay people get married how will that make marriages fail for heterosexual people - the majority of American marriages fail  anyway (check the statitstics) and gays are not allowed to  marry right now - so who are we to blame at this point in time? Ah, let me guess, it was the intigration of marriage between races? I heard this same argument was used to keep interracial couples from marry too.

Here is a video of Jessie Dotson, in 2011, still denying the crimes (after he confessed to his mother) and now he is even blaming his mother stating "she didn't tell the truth, but I forgive her" ...his own mother doesn't deal with him now.

 

I find it highly offensive that my civil rights as listed by the constitution are not protected - even though I am someone that contributes to America and our American family for the better - yet, someone can murder, rape, kill, steal, beat, and live life as savage and still have "equal protection under the law". WOW, is all I can say about that.... WOW. Let us all ponder on this .....